It is Not the Mountain We Conquer but Ourselves

Introspective thoughts on me and my relationships:

Why am I so attracted to “fixer uppers”? People that have some sort of tragic back story or back history. People who need me to help them. To encourage them. Why do I go towards people that bring me down? People that don’t build me up.

Im so scared of failing that I find people who are failing worse than me to make myself look better. To not fail when up against someone else. In the same way that bitchy packs of females have that designated fat friend, I am making sure I don't pale in comparison to my partner.

I am ensuring that I will always

look good

come out better

be better

be higher

than the person I am with in order to not look LESS. My fucking ego.

Do I do this in order to make sure nobody sees me as the failure? SURPRISE - its self-sabotage. I am killing myself with these toxic relationships in order to not be seen as a failure. Essentially, failing myself.

It was so much easier to focus on N's failing marriage rather than my own. So much easier to not put in the hard-work and distract myself with others, extra, more, covid, anything else than my own Homelife.

That was a giant fucking fuckup.

I need to conquer myself before I can expect any kind of growth.